I never asked to be like this
by Cherryrainbow
Summary: Lex's past is unveiled and problems ensue, and it all starts when Bray finds a suicide note...
1. Part 1

Made of Steel - by Our Lady Peace  
  
I can be anything that you want me to be  
  
A punching bag, a piece of string, oh  
  
That reminds you not to think  
  
I found the note down in your car  
  
And its not your fault it gets this hard  
  
Gets this hard  
  
Hold your head high  
  
Don't look down  
  
I'm by your side  
  
Won't back down  
  
You wanted a hero tonight  
  
Well I'm not made of steel  
  
I'm not made of steel  
  
But your secrets safe with me  
  
I can be anything that you want me to be  
  
A holy cross, some sympathy, oh  
  
That reminds you not to bleed  
  
I found the note down in your car  
  
And you climbed up here to fall apart  
  
Fall apart  
  
Hold your head high  
  
Don't look down  
  
I'm by your side  
  
Won't back down  
  
You wanted a hero tonight  
  
Well I'm not made of steel  
  
I'm not made of steel  
  
But your secrets safe with me  
  
No...  
  
Your secrets safe with me  
  
They knock you down  
  
I'll pick you up...  
  
They laugh at you  
  
I'll shut them up  
  
But I'm not made of steel  
  
But I'm not made of steel  
  
But I'm not made of steel  
  
But your secrets safe with me  
  
Yeah  
  
Your secrets safe with me  
  
But yeah  
  
Hold your head high  
  
Don't look down  
  
I'm by your side  
  
Won't back down  
  
You wanted a hero tonight  
  
-----------------------------------------------------------  
  
Bray sat on the plastic chair in the hallway of the hospital, head bowed in his hands, the numb silence of the cold area drifting past him, unheard ticks of the clock and the distant sound of shoes and chatter. He never expected this. Never this. Why didn't he see it before. Why couldn't he have noticed, and stopped this from happening. Why couldn't he have been the one to notice and stop the suffering. But he didn't. No one did. So Bray couldn't stop HIM.  
  
No-one had any idea. No-one suspected. Because they only saw what HE wanted them to see. The only saw the fake smiles, fake smirks, fake laughter - it was all a mask, a shield, a barrier to block them all away from the real HIM the truth. HE didn't want them to see the real scared, weak boy underneath. HE didn't want them to see the pain, the haunted memories, the absolute self hatred that HE kept inside. He wanted no-one to know or see. HE didn't want them to see the victim he was.  
  
Victim. How that word filled Bray's mouth with a bitter taste and heart wrenching feeling. They all failed to SEE his suffering. Because HE tried denying the suffering he felt himself. HE kept it all inside, building it up, till it finally took a hold of him and went out of control.  
  
Bray closed his eyes and let out a shaky breath. Were they HIS tormentors too? For failing to even try reaching him, try breaking him away from the mask and reveal his true identity? Did all the looks and things they said and did concerning HIM *** to HIS suffering? Of course Bray thought as he squeezed his eyes shut tighter and swallowing.  
  
Bray only found out the truth by mistake. Maybe he wasn't ever meant to find out the truth, but too late he did - and too late, it was. He hated that he found out the horrible truth, that he was the one to finally realize then. He should have known sooner. He should have. But he didn't. No one did.  
  
He found the crumpled up note inside the old car. He didn't mean to, he wasn't looking for it, instead the letter found him, in an almost mocking way. The damned old car that the mallrat's rarely used to go around places further from the city. Out of all the places and ways he found out the truth, it was from a crumpled letter in the car that was shoved there to be forgotten about.  
  
Bray went to look in the car for his lost wallet. He'd used the car the day before to go out, and he thought maybe he'd left it in the car. So he went in and rummaged around trying to find it. He frowned and groaned and grumbled in annoyance as he looked around. He opened up the glove compartment and a tonne of stuff came tumbling out. He growled in further annoyance and started to grab the stuff and shove it back in. He wasn't really paying attention to what he was putting back in the glove compartment, until his eyes locked onto a piece of crumpled paper with writing on it. He felt somewhat drawn to it.  
  
Before Bray knew it, he'd sat down in the car seat, closing the door behind himself, locking the winter coldness and dampness outside as his eyes read the unfamiliar scruffy writing. A tale, a confession was made, that made Bray's heart and insides twist up as his eyes widened with shock as he read down to the bottom of the page. And the name that signed the note shocked him. He was so unaware it was unreal. It was like a nightmare passed on as he looked up from the letter, held in his shaky hands. He didn't realize when it began to rain. It was like the sky was crying with sorrow too.  
  
It had been a suicide note. A note that told a shocking confession that made Bray feel so numb. The letter had been written with a purpose, a signed death warrant, only it had been shoved into the glove comnpartment, because the writer had changed HIS mind, and decided to forget the letter. Only Bray felt that what was written inside the letter, the thing that made HIM the writer want to die so much, would never just be forgotten.  
  
So Bray folded up the letter, stuffed it into the safety of his pocket. He opened the door of the car, and the harsh winter pulled him back to the cruel world outside the car. He slammed the car door and trudged his way back to the mall. He walked in and saw Amber who smiled walking upto him, asking if he had any luck finding the wallet. Seeing his face she asked what was wrong. He just shook his head and walked past her. No he hadn't found his wallet, but he'd found something else.  
  
He went up the stairs of the mall, feeling numb as he walked towards a familiar bedroom. He walked to the door, not bothering to knock, just burst in to find the writer sitting on his bed, looking up with an annoyed look at the intrusion. HE opened his mouth to make some kind of comment, only to stop and stare in horrific realization, face draining of colour as Bray took the note from his pocket, and held it up opened, look of sadness on his face.  
  
Bray watched as something inside the writer's eyes seemed to break, and HE got up from the bed and quickly shoved past Bray, feeling suffocated from the realization that he knew, and HE just had to get out of there. HE didn't want this, the questions, the pity, the sympathy, so HE ran. Bray called out after him and ran after HIM, bounding out and towards the stairs. HE yelled at Bray to leave him alone as he ran out the mall, faster than lightning, and Bray stumbled on the stairs and Amber appeared in front of him demanding to know what was going on and what was wrong.  
  
But Bray couldn't say. It was such a horrible secret, a terrible thing, that he just couldn't tell her. The secret was too shocking. All he knew was he had to find HIM before HE did anything stupid to himself.  
  
Too late.  
  
They found HIM, in the front seat of the locked car, head resting against the glass of the window at a slightly angle, pale cold expression on face and empty tears falling from lifeless empty eyes. HE sat there wanting to be left alone, left alone to die as the deep cuts on HIS hidden abused arms drained a deep red sorrowful liquid that spilled over his legs, HIS chest and arms, flowed down the seat.  
  
They stood horrified as Bray managed to smash in the window and unlock the car, before he dragged out HIS body and held him close as he picked him up checking he was still alive. The others stood around shocked, weeping and staring, all wondering the same thing - WHY?  
  
They rushed HIM to the hospital, where after a long painstaking time, they were told HE was fine, he survived. They managed to SAVE HIM.  
  
Bray sighed and rubbed his eyes. They hadn't really saved HIM. HE wasn't fine. HE wasn't really a survivor. Just a victim, who was prevented from escape of the secret for longer. He let out a shaky breath as the reality of it all sank in like lead.  
  
He slowly looked up as the young doctor stood in front of him, pensive look on face and told him "You can go in now".  
  
Bray swallowed and slowly walked into the room feeling nauseous already. The place just reminded him of death. The smell, the dank look of the place. it was a dirty white. He glanced over to the bed where HE lay and he felt twisted inside. HE was lying there looking like death himself, lying still with bandages covering his arms. HE was looking away to the side staring into nothingness with blank eyes.  
  
Bray couldn't take his own eyes away from HIS eyes. They always had this dull, creepy, sad look to them, no matter what. Even when HE was happy, there was no sparkle, the dull look just always reflected back magnetically, attracting people to see that sadness. But no-one felt like seeing that sadness. And as Bray looked now he could see they were totally empty, stripped of bearing emotion. But he knew that haunting sadness was still somewhere inside of HIM.  
  
Bray let out a shaky breath as he slowly walked over to HIS bedside. The walk seemed to last forever, but in reality a few slow seconds. The room seemed to stretch as he got closer and when he sat down, the deadly quietness seemed to bite him as he stared at HIM.  
  
Bray closed his eyes and sighed as he painfully asked - "Why?". He opened his eyes to see empty tears glistening in HIS empty eyes, begging to let go and be bled out. "Why didn't you tell us Lex?" he whispered. 


	2. Part 2

Thief by Our Lady Peace  
  
I don't want to understand this horror  
  
There's a weight in your eyes that I can't admit  
  
Everybody ends up here in bottles  
  
But the name tags the last thing that you wanted  
  
As the world explodes we fall out of it  
  
But we can't let go because this  
  
Will not go away  
  
There's a house built out in space...  
  
I can't see that thief that lives inside of your head  
  
But I can be some courage at the side of your bed  
  
I don't know what's happening and I won't pretend  
  
But I can be your....  
  
Someone help us understand who ordered  
  
This disgusting arrangement with time and the end  
  
I don't want to hear who walked on water  
  
Because the hallways are empty and the clock ticks  
  
  
  
FLASH BACK  
  
Lex sat in the corner of his bed, pressed into the corner against the wall, chewing his short nails on one hand with anxiety whilst in the other shaky hand he held a half empty bottle of beer. He was just dreading what he felt he knew was to come. He made a mistake, a terrible mistake, an utterly stupid terrible drunken mistake. Now he knew his older tougher only and best mate would hate him. He closed his eyes and rocked slightly, before he jumped slightly, at the expectance of the door bursting open and a fuming Ryan storming in. "Ryan I can"-  
  
"Shut up Lex!" Ryan snapped angrily, and his blazing eyes stared at Lex, "I don't want to hear your excuses, your lies- you make me sick you know that!" his words made Lex flinch.  
  
"Please Ryan it was a mistake I"-  
  
"I told you to shut up!" Ryan sneered and stomped angrily over to the edge of the bed watching Lex tense up. "How could you Lex? How could you do that to me? How could you try it on with Salene?"  
  
"I didn't mean to" Lex sounded unusually quiet, "I was drunk I"-  
  
"So that makes it okay?" Ryan asked with an unhappy laugh as he ripped the bottle of beer from Lex's hand and held it up, "blame it on the drink? God look at you Lex, look in the mirror, look what you've become!" he yelled and pointed to the mirror on the opposite wall.  
  
Lex looked over numbly and saw his reflection. He stared at what he hated stare back, he didn't like what he saw, and he had to look away. He couldn't bear looking in that mirror.  
  
"You're just like your father" Ryan sneered coldly and Lex looked up with obvious pain in his eyes.  
  
"I'm nothing like him!" Lex protested weakly, feeling somewhat naked without the bottle of beer in his hand.  
  
"Look at you!" Ryan shouted, "you're EXACTLY like him. A weak pathetic man who can't handle being sober, needs his alcohol, needs to be abusive to people and not care who he hurts, whether its his mates, family or women. What were you going to do if she didn't fight back Lex huh, hit her?"  
  
"I wouldn't Ryan I"-  
  
"That's bull Lex! You're always picking on your next victim to abuse verbally or something. You just can't help yourself. You could have hurt Salene and if you had I would kill you Lex, you know that" Ryan spoke with bitter anger. Lex had to look away and he bit his lip. "Is it some kind of power thing huh? Do you like seeing people hurt by you? Do you like being hated?"  
  
"I'm not like him" Lex barely whispered as his eyes filled with unwanted tears.  
  
"Wake up on smell the coffee Lex!" Ryan growled and grabbed Lex, yanking him from the bed and feeling Lex tense up with fear beneathe his hands, "Look at yourself!" he whirled him around to face the mirror and Lex closed his eyes, trying to shrug Ryan off but he couldn't.  
  
"Ryan let go!. Let go Ryan you're hurting me!" Lex pleaded brokenly.  
  
"You could've hurt Salene, and you wouldn't have stopped yourself would you" Ryan sneered in Lex's ear before letting him go and Lex fell to the floor.  
  
"I swear I didn't mean it Ryan! I'd never hurt your girl, I swear" Lex pleaded unaware of his dripping tears. Ryan couldn't turn on him could he? He wouldn't be like the others and give up on him too?  
  
He didn't mean to hurt Salene. He was drunk and she happened to pass by. She came in asking what was wrong and for some reason he told her. Maybe it was the way she sounded so genuinely concerned, like she wanted to care and help that made him tell her about the nightmares coming back. The ones that hadn't really ever gone away. She seemed so understanding, so nice, and that's when the alcohol took over and he found himself trying to kiss her, before she pushed him away with a look of disgust and ran off. Just like everyone else - he thinks he can trust them, he tells them, but they always push him away. How could Salene have gone to Ryan and told him that Lex tried something on? She should've known he didn't mean it, it was just the alcohol!  
  
"You make me sick Lex" Ryan sneered looking down at him, "if you're not satisfied by hurting the people around you, then you're looking for people to hate you and hurt you instead. And sometimes I think you deserve it. And you know what, sometimes I think you wanted and deserved the abuse your father gave you"  
  
Lex looked up shakily with absolute shock over his face as tears leaked out from his painfilled eyes. He couldn't believe it, couldn't believe Ryan was saying those things. After all the trust he felt he could have in Ryan, and told him all those haunting pain filled memories, and Ryan went and said THAT? He couldn't mean it, it was just the anger. "How could you say that Ryan" he choked out through tears.  
  
"I swear Lex, if you even look at Salene again, let alone go near her or anything, I will tear you apart. I will kill you Lex, so if I was you I'd stay away from us" Ryan spoke with disgust before turning and heading to the door, leaving Lex sprawled on the floor weeping.  
  
"Ryan I'm sorry!" Lex begged.  
  
"I'm fed up of hearing your sorry Lex, you never are" Ryan spoke not looking back before exiting the room. Lex just stared at the empty space of the door in horror, feeling his heart beat seemingly explode. He just lost his best friend, because of his own stupid mistake.  
  
After a long while, of silently crying in shock and loss, he shakily got up and exited the room, head down, and kept walking quickly. He reached the stairs and as he glanced up he saw her. He saw Salene look at him, with a sad look on her face, almost sor- he looked back down at the floor and ran the rest of the way out. He found himself soon inside the car, with the door slammed shut and the rain began to fall outside, in time with his fresh new fall of tears.  
  
He sobbed silently as he sat in the carseat, staring ahead through the window at the rain falling from a dark clouded sky. His shaky hands reached into his jacket pocket where he pulled out his trusty pocket knife. He held it tight in his hand and shakily held it out. He flipped the shiny blade out and watched the light shimmer off it. He stared at it silently, mouth open slightly. His knife had been with him most his life, through the good and bad times. It never turned against him.not like-  
  
He looked up and saw a pen on the dashboard. Swallowing, Lex picked up the pen with his other hand, then before he knew it he was rummaging around for paper. When he found a piece he spread it on on the dashboard and held the pen above the paper. He hadn't written anything in a long time. The last time he'd written anything it was. it was almost the same as this letter.  
  
Shakily he wrote, and watched the ink form letters on the page, through his blurry eyes as he hurriedly wrote and silently cried.  
  
'I never meant to be like this. I never meant to be this cruel guy that everyone hates. I never meant to hurt people like I do, I don't mean to say or do the things I do but I can't help it. I try not to but it just happens and I feel like I'm cursed. I'm just like him, and it hurts so bad. I promised myself I'd never be like him, but what do you know, I am. I have all this hate and anger inside, and I can't let it all out. When I shout or yell, or be nasty or do something bad or stupid, only a small part of my pain in let out. I want to scream and break down, just let it all out but I can't. I harm people to let out my pain, just like he, my father did. I used to harm myself to get out my pain instead of taking it on other people, but it wasn't enough. It was never good enough, just like me. I'll never be good enough for anyone's expectations. I'll never do anything right or be liked, I'm just the kid everyone hates. Its always been like that why should things change now. I feel so tormented inside. I feel so dirty, and its always in my body, like its running through my veins. All because of the things he did to me. Maybe if he wasn't such a ******* I wouldn't be one now. Maybe I was always just meant to be a jerk or something. I hate what he did to me, its always in my mind, I'm constantly reminded. I keep getting nightmares over it, and its ripping me apart. Its like these nightmares happen when I'm awake as well as asleep. I'm always reminded. Just the way people look at me with disgust and look at me with hate, takes me back to all those times my father abused me. I was never meant to be liked. I was never meant to feel love, or have friends, or anything like that. I've always just meant to be abused. I feel abused all the time. Verbally, mentally, physically - all the time, and my father really knew how to inflict it on me. He sexually abused me. And I didn't do anything to stop it, stop him. I just waited and waited praying it would stop because I'm so weak and pathetic and waited until he died. I thought I'd be free but I'm not. Now instead I'm just like him. And the only way I can stop being like this is if I die too'.  
  
Lex signed it off and by now was in full blown tears as he finished writing. He stared down at the letter beneathe his hands, letting his eyes scan the words and sink into his brain. It was all there, all plainly, simply written. He stared hard at the letters and sucked in a deep breath as he dropped the pen and shakily picked up the piece of paper. His penknife clattered off the dashboard and fell to rest just underneath his seat. He was about to pick it back up when a movement to the side caused him to jump and look up.  
  
It was Ryan. He panicked so Lex quickly shoved the letter into the glove compartment and slammed it shut as the car door was opened. I thought I locked it, Lex stupidly thought as Ryan peered through at Lex, who bit his lip and stared back with wet dark eyes.  
  
"Lex thank god you're here I thought you might have." Ryan trailed off and had this guilty look on his face before he crouched down, "God Lex I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I shouldn't have said those things okay, it was really bad of me. I was just angry you know, and I took it out on y-.. I'm just so sorry Lex. Please forgive me" he pleaded.  
  
Lex just stared at him for a long while before he said, "well all those things needed to be said really" as a cold tear slipped down his cheek.  
  
"No.. no they shouldn't have. I should be helping you you know, not. not yelling at you and making you feel any worse. I realize it was just a mistake, a drunken mistake. and I should be helping you, to beat this drinking problem, before something really bad does happen" Ryan spoke, and the rain fell down on him and came into the car pattering on Lex, making him blink.  
  
"I'm really sorry Ryan" Lex whispered and blinked looking down.  
  
"Me too Lex, me too" Ryan said as he took a hold of Lex's arm and pulled him out the car, closing the door shut. Lex glanced back to the car as Ryan led him away, holding his arm making sure he was close by his side.  
  
That night Lex managed to get away and snuck back to the car, taking his pocketknife back. He slammed the door and walked away, leaving behind the forgotten letter.  
  
-------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
"Why didn't you tell us Lex?" Bray's voice sounded far away and muffled as Lex stared into space. He barely noticed that Bray had arrived, let alone was talking to him. He didn't move his dark eyes from the space where he was staring.  
  
Lex's dry lips parted enough for him to mumble numbly "I couldn't"  
  
"God Lex. you should have told us. You should have let us known, we could have helped you, we could've talked you know. You should have spoken to me, instead of doing.doing this.to yourself. There's better ways of dealing with the pain, then by doing this" Bray spoke and stared at the white bandages wrapped around Lex's now pale arms.  
  
As the last of Bray's words sunk in Lex's mind drifted back to the past as he muttered "I know" 


	3. Part 3

INNOCENT - BY OUR LADY PEACE  
  
Oh, Johnny wishes he was famous  
  
Spends his time alone in the basement  
  
With a Lennon and Cobain and  
  
A guitar and a stereo  
  
And while he wishes he could escape this  
  
But it all seems so contagious  
  
Not to be yourself and faceless  
  
In a song that has no soul  
  
I remember feeling low  
  
I remember losing hope  
  
And I remember all the feelings and the day they stopped  
  
We are, we are all innocent  
  
We are all innocent  
  
We are, we are...  
  
We are, we are all innocent  
  
We are all innocent  
  
We are, we are...  
  
Oh, and Tina losing faith in what she knows  
  
Hates her music, hates all of her clothes  
  
Thinks of surgery and a new nose  
  
Every calorie's a war  
  
And while she wishes she was a dancer  
  
And that she'd never heard of cancer  
  
She wishes God would give her some answers  
  
And make her feel beautiful  
  
I remember feeling low  
  
I remember losing hope  
  
I remember all the feelings and the day they stopped  
  
We are, we are all innocent  
  
We are all innocent  
  
We are, we are...  
  
We are, we are all innocent  
  
We are all innocent  
  
We are, we are...  
  
One day, you'll have to let it go  
  
You'll have to let it go  
  
No...  
  
One day, you'll stand up on your own  
  
You'll stand up on your own  
  
Remember losing hope  
  
Remember feeling low  
  
Remember all the feelings and the day they stopped  
  
We are, we are all innocent  
  
We are all innocent  
  
We are, we are...  
  
We are, we are all innocent  
  
We are all innocent  
  
We are, we are...  
  
We are (one day), we are all innocent  
  
We are all innocent (you'll have to let it go)  
  
We are, we are (you'll have to let it go, no..)  
  
We are (one day), we are all innocent  
  
We are, we are (you'll stand up on your own)  
  
We are, we are all innocent (you'll stand up on your own..)  
  
------------------------------------------------------  
  
FLASHBACK  
  
A nirvana song played from the CD player as Lex sat on the couch in the basement, which was Johnny's bedroom, and he frowned looking at his nails. A bruise marred his cheek and there was a scab on the cut across his lip, making his skin look more paler against the harsh dark contrast.  
  
Johnny was currently flipping through some music magazine, whilst Tina was admiring her reflection in the mirror, silently making comments about her features. With annoyance she scowled facing Johnny, "can you turn this crud off, or at least put something decent on, its giving me a headache!"  
  
"Crud?! What would you know about decent music huh Tina?" Johnny raised an eyebrow as he looked up from the magazine.  
  
"Fine if you don't turn it off, I will" she said glancing at her reflection before walking over to the CD player and hitting the STOP button.  
  
"Hey! Put that back on!" Johnny demanded sitting up, back resting against the couch as he glared at her.  
  
"No" she simply said glaring back and rested a hand on her hip. "I'm bored okay, I want to do something fun to take my mind off things!"  
  
"Oh really?" Johnny smirked, shutting the magazine with a quick flick of the wrist.  
  
"Yeah" Tina shifted on her feet, "then again, I'm worried about your idea of fun" she muttered.  
  
Johnny laughed, "my idea of fun is perfectly harmless, isn't it Lex?" Johnny asked glancing up.  
  
"Huh?" Lex looked up. It was the first real acknowledgement they'd given him since he'd arrived.  
  
"My idea of fun, to take our mind off things" Johnny smirked and stood up, walking past Tina towards his desk and opening the top drawer. He took out a small tin and opened it, taking out a lighter and-  
  
"Oh my god are those spliffs?" Tina asked wide-eyed as Johnny started to light one up.  
  
"I see you haven't lost your nack of pointing out the obvious" he chuckled as he flicked the light two, three times before the light stayed and he lit one before holding it out to her.  
  
"No way Johnny, those things are"-  
  
"They're harmless! Aren't they Lex?" Johnny peered around at him but didn't wait for an answer, "just give it a try, you'll be surprised"  
  
Tina turned to face Lex. "You've done this before Lex? Well I never"-  
  
"Look Tina, either take one and shut up, or. shut up and go somewhere else" he popped the spliff into his mouth and took a deep drag, grinning as he did so before taking it away from his lips. "Here Lex" he said and walked over holding it out to him.  
  
"I can't Johnny, I mean what with my health"-  
  
"Tina quit whining" Johnny turned around and held the spliff out to her instead. "Just shut up and suck up" he grinned at her. Glaring at him she gingerly took it off him and looked at it.  
  
"I guess. I've always been curious" she tilted her head.  
  
Johnny smirked, "that a girl" he winked and turned to face Lex, lighting a new one. "Here dude, I know you been waiting a while for this" he chuckled and held it out.  
  
Lex looked up at him, blinking slowly before reaching out. The baggy sleeve of his black top slipped down a bit and Johnny looked down and raised both eyebrows.  
  
"Hey didn't know you'd be doing that again" he nodded at Lex's arm.  
  
Lex looked down and pulled his arm back to tug the sleeve back down, "Yeah well." he shrugged.  
  
"God I'd never be able to do that to myself. Must hurt like hell" Johnny winced and spoke thoughtfully.  
  
"Can you just shut up about it and leave it" Lex frowned and snatched the spliff off him.  
  
"Hey whatever helps dude" Johnny sniffed and shrugged heading to the swivel chair by the desk.  
  
"Woah. I feel weird" Tina said as she sat down on the couch next to Lex and looked at him.  
  
"You're happy that's why" Johnny spoke from the corner.  
  
"I guess. maybe" Tina had a weird tired smile on her face as she turned and faced Lex before resting her head on his shoulder and she placed her hand gently on his thigh. He tensed up but she didn't seem to notice as she asked, "are you happy Lex?"  
  
Lex looked away and exhaled a cloud of smoke as he stared at the wall feeling numb.  
  
"Of course he's happy" Johnny said as he span on the chair laughing and smoking the spliff, and Tina watched him and laughed. The only person not laughing was Lex.  
  
"Yeah I know"  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
Lex's head snapped up as he realized it was Bray talking. He blinked slowly at him. It was too tiring a movement to be called blinking as he tilted his head slightly on the pillow.  
  
"I might tell you sometime" Lex mumbled as his eyes lost some of their glaze.  
  
"Why can't you tell me now Lex? Why can't you tell me anything like.. like how you feel" Bray asked from the chair by Lex's bedside.  
  
"I don't think.I feel. anything" Lex spoke slowly as he struggled to think clearly. "I feel.. empty and numb.I think" his eyes focused on Bray's sparkling sad eyes.  
  
"Lex. I know you're feeling all this pain and anger and stuff. If you talk about it, it might help you feel better. Its good to talk to people" Bray looked down a moment and swallowed, "You know I thought it was all my fault you did this to yourself"  
  
"No its not" Lex said slowly in a dull monotone voice, "its my fault. its all my fault"  
  
"No Lex its nots your fault. None of it is. You can't help what happened to you. I wish I could say I understand, but I can't because I don't. I wish you'd talk to me Lex instead of bottling it all up, driving yourself crazy"  
  
Something seemed to flicker behind Lex's eyes as he looked away and chewed slightly on his bottom lip. "Sometimes I wish I could too"  
  
"God Lex, how did it all get this far? How'd end up like this?"  
  
Lex didn't answer his just looked down at the bandages covering his scarred arms. Where lots of lines marked him, each with their own tale. He merely gave a little shrug as he blinked tiredly.  
  
"You've got to help us to help you Lex"  
  
Lex looked up as something seemed to flash in his mind and he was taken back to his past again.. 


	4. Part 4

Carnival by Our Lady Peace  
  
You know you're not a strong man/  
  
And you're just about to cry/  
  
Hang on, it's alright/  
  
You worry about the future/  
  
The sign says "yoga class for cats"/  
  
It's okay/  
  
The dynamite is waiting/  
  
They bankrupted the sky/  
  
You're frustrated by the cracks in/  
  
The pavement/  
  
And every mother's back.../  
  
Once again/  
  
The Carnival closed down/  
  
but if this world ever turns around/  
  
You'll be there when everybody is sane/  
  
  
  
"You've got to help us to help you Lex" the middle aged woman looked pensively at Lex through her glasses, as she rested the clipboard on her crossed legs.  
  
Lex sat opposite her in a suffocating large leather chair cross legged, feeling small and drowned in the large room painted a dark sickly green and behind the woman was bookcases filled with thick books of some type. He blinked at her as he glanced down at his hand holding a cigarette and the bandage past his wrist. He wasn't supposed to smoke, he was underage anyway, but for some reason she let him smoke.  
  
He raised the cigarette to his lips and sucked deeply on it before taking it away and exhaling a large cloud of smoke before peering at her, "There's nothing to help. I'm fine"  
  
The woman frowned and shifted, "far from it Lex. You're condition is getting worse. You're becoming more aggressive, and using illegal substances and smoking isn't helping. You friends"-  
  
"Leave them out of this, they're nothing to do with me or this 'situation'" Lex rolled his eyes and leaned back in his chair, tapping the ash off his cigarette into the ashtray resting on the arm of the chair.  
  
"Lex who you hang out with affects the way you behave, your actions and decisions"-  
  
"I make my own decisions thankyou" Lex glanced at her before taking another drag from his cigarette.  
  
The woman sighed as she took off her glasses and rubbed her eyes, "You're really not helping yourself"  
  
"Well I don't want to be here. I don't need to be here" Lex stated and glanced to the window, where the sunlight was streaming through the branched of the tree outside.  
  
"You need to face upto and sort your issues Lex, that why you're here" the woman told him as she propped her glasses back on.  
  
"No I'm here because time equals money to you, and I'm just another pathetic case for you to waste time hmming and haaing over. I'm here because everyone else is fed up and gave up and needed to pass me on to some one else for a while" Lex spat out and took another drag from his cigarette.  
  
The woman looked at him before glancing to her clipboard. "So you do think, and feel like you're passed on, unwanted?"  
  
"I don't think I know, lady" Lex sneered and tapped more ash off the cigarette, "let me guess, you're about to underline the word PARANOID a couple times on your damn notes" he rolled his eyes and looked back to the window.  
  
The woman narrowed her eyes slightly as she looked up at him. Then did underline something.  
  
"What the hell do you write on that god damn clipboard anyway?" Lex asked turning his gaze back to her.  
  
"I'm afraid I can't"-  
  
"If its about me then I have a right to know" Lex cut her off.  
  
"Lex" the woman spoke sternly, "You need to focus on other important things here, like your behavior and attitude"  
  
"Just because people don't like the way I act doesn't mean its wrong" Lex snorted.  
  
"That's not what the school, your father, or the police think" the woman retaliated.  
  
Lex just merely shrugged, "they pretend to dislike me, deep down I know they hate me" he smirked and blew a cloud of smoke out at her.  
  
"Can't you be serious for once!" the woman found herself snapping.  
  
"How about we all do ourselves a favor" Lex snapped, "write down in your little notes what a psycho I am, to tell my daddy dearest and the rest of the damned hypocrites who make me come here, and let me totter off to do something fun. Save us a lot of boredom and annoyance" he stabbed his cigarette out and stood up.  
  
"Lex you will sit down now and answer my questions and get this session over and done with!" the woman said sternly and watched as Lex sighed and slump back down in the seat.  
  
"Seeing as you asked so nicely" he raised an eyebrow and gave her an uninterested look. "Let me guess 'how do you feel?', 'why do you do that Lex - and how does it make you feel?'"-  
  
"Good suggestion, go on then, tell me how you feel. Right now" the woman challenged.  
  
"Fine you wanna know how I feel" Lex said and sat up, crossing his legs on the chair, "I feel annoyed I feel bored, I hate being here I hate being asked the same moronic questions each time. I hate having the attention paid for people to say 'he's crazy and needs to see a shrink' and when I do they ignore me again and don't pay the slightest attention to me. I'm fed up of having to be the one pushed around, told what to do, whats wrong and right, about all the things I've done wrong what I haven't done right. I'm annoyed that people can pay attention to me one second then don't want to know me the next. They just use me for their own damn pleasure then push me away like they're putting me back on a shelf to wait and play with another damned day!"  
  
"So you feel like a toy?" the woman raised an eyebrow and interrupted Lex making him stop and stare at her blinking a few times before leaning forward slightly. "What?" he asked.  
  
"You feel like a toy don't you? Used and manipulated for other people's pleasures. And like you said, put on a shelf to wait for another day when they want to pay attention to you"  
  
Lex blinked as she continued speaking, but the words fell deaf on his ears. So she was basically telling him that his whole life he'd just been some toy, for everyone to play with. As if that wasn't bad enough, he knew it. He knew what she said was right. He stood up quickly grabbing his trench coat, and the ashtray fell to the floor and scattered on the carpet.  
  
"Lex?" the woman looked up questioningly.  
  
"Session's finished, I'm out of here" he muttered and stormed out, slamming the door behind him.  
  
There was another flash before Lex's eyes.  
  
The same woman sat in front of him, weird plastered on smile on her face as she tilted her head and clasped her hands perkily saying "I'm sorry, your time's up"  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------  
  
"..You're times up" a female doctor was saying to Bray. He glanced down to Lex who was staring up at him with a confused distant look in his eyes.  
  
"Can't I stay a bit longer or something?" Bray asked looking back to her pleadingly.  
  
"I'm sorry but he needs his rest. You can come visit tomorrow though" the girl told him.  
  
"I.I don't feel right leaving him now. Couldn't I spend the night or something?" Bray asked her.  
  
"I, I don't know sir" the girl smiled apologetically.  
  
"I'll be no trouble, I'll sleep on this chair even, can't you just check please?" Bray asked.  
  
The girl looked at him then to the bed where Lex was lying and he was staring at Bray. "I..I guess so, I'll ask his doctor" she said finally.  
  
"Thankyou" Bray smiled at her as she walked off to go speak to him. Bray turned in his chair to look at Lex. "It.its okay I stay here right?"  
  
Lex continued staring at him with those dark dull eyes. "I'd appreciate not being alone" he whispered. "I hate hospitals" he closed his eyes. 


	5. Part 5

Carnival by Our Lady Peace  
  
You know you're not a strong man/  
  
And you're just about to cry/  
  
Hang on, it's alright/  
  
You worry about the future/  
  
The sign says "yoga class for cats"/  
  
It's okay/  
  
The dynamite is waiting/  
  
They bankrupted the sky/  
  
You're frustrated by the cracks in/  
  
The pavement/  
  
And every mother's back.../  
  
Once again/  
  
The Carnival closed down/  
  
but if this world ever turns around/  
  
You'll be there when everybody is sane/  
  
  
  
"You've got to help us to help you Lex" the middle aged woman looked pensively at Lex through her glasses, as she rested the clipboard on her crossed legs.  
  
Lex sat opposite her in a suffocating large leather chair cross legged, feeling small and drowned in the large room painted a dark sickly green and behind the woman was bookcases filled with thick books of some type. He blinked at her as he glanced down at his hand holding a cigarette and the bandage past his wrist. He wasn't supposed to smoke, he was underage anyway, but for some reason she let him smoke.  
  
He raised the cigarette to his lips and sucked deeply on it before taking it away and exhaling a large cloud of smoke before peering at her, "There's nothing to help. I'm fine"  
  
The woman frowned and shifted, "far from it Lex. You're condition is getting worse. You're becoming more aggressive, and using illegal substances and smoking isn't helping. You friends"-  
  
"Leave them out of this, they're nothing to do with me or this 'situation'" Lex rolled his eyes and leaned back in his chair, tapping the ash off his cigarette into the ashtray resting on the arm of the chair.  
  
"Lex who you hang out with affects the way you behave, your actions and decisions"-  
  
"I make my own decisions thankyou" Lex glanced at her before taking another drag from his cigarette.  
  
The woman sighed as she took off her glasses and rubbed her eyes, "You're really not helping yourself"  
  
"Well I don't want to be here. I don't need to be here" Lex stated and glanced to the window, where the sunlight was streaming through the branched of the tree outside.  
  
"You need to face upto and sort your issues Lex, that why you're here" the woman told him as she propped her glasses back on.  
  
"No I'm here because time equals money to you, and I'm just another pathetic case for you to waste time hmming and haaing over. I'm here because everyone else is fed up and gave up and needed to pass me on to some one else for a while" Lex spat out and took another drag from his cigarette.  
  
The woman looked at him before glancing to her clipboard. "So you do think, and feel like you're passed on, unwanted?"  
  
"I don't think I know, lady" Lex sneered and tapped more ash off the cigarette, "let me guess, you're about to underline the word PARANOID a couple times on your damn notes" he rolled his eyes and looked back to the window.  
  
The woman narrowed her eyes slightly as she looked up at him. Then did underline something.  
  
"What the hell do you write on that god damn clipboard anyway?" Lex asked turning his gaze back to her.  
  
"I'm afraid I can't"-  
  
"If its about me then I have a right to know" Lex cut her off.  
  
"Lex" the woman spoke sternly, "You need to focus on other important things here, like your behavior and attitude"  
  
"Just because people don't like the way I act doesn't mean its wrong" Lex snorted.  
  
"That's not what the school, your father, or the police think" the woman retaliated.  
  
Lex just merely shrugged, "they pretend to dislike me, deep down I know they hate me" he smirked and blew a cloud of smoke out at her.  
  
"Can't you be serious for once!" the woman found herself snapping.  
  
"How about we all do ourselves a favor" Lex snapped, "write down in your little notes what a psycho I am, to tell my daddy dearest and the rest of the damned hypocrites who make me come here, and let me totter off to do something fun. Save us a lot of boredom and annoyance" he stabbed his cigarette out and stood up.  
  
"Lex you will sit down now and answer my questions and get this session over and done with!" the woman said sternly and watched as Lex sighed and slump back down in the seat.  
  
"Seeing as you asked so nicely" he raised an eyebrow and gave her an uninterested look. "Let me guess 'how do you feel?', 'why do you do that Lex - and how does it make you feel?'"-  
  
"Good suggestion, go on then, tell me how you feel. Right now" the woman challenged.  
  
"Fine you wanna know how I feel" Lex said and sat up, crossing his legs on the chair, "I feel annoyed I feel bored, I hate being here I hate being asked the same moronic questions each time. I hate having the attention paid for people to say 'he's crazy and needs to see a shrink' and when I do they ignore me again and don't pay the slightest attention to me. I'm fed up of having to be the one pushed around, told what to do, whats wrong and right, about all the things I've done wrong what I haven't done right. I'm annoyed that people can pay attention to me one second then don't want to know me the next. They just use me for their own damn pleasure then push me away like they're putting me back on a shelf to wait and play with another damned day!"  
  
"So you feel like a toy?" the woman raised an eyebrow and interrupted Lex making him stop and stare at her blinking a few times before leaning forward slightly. "What?" he asked.  
  
"You feel like a toy don't you? Used and manipulated for other people's pleasures. And like you said, put on a shelf to wait for another day when they want to pay attention to you"  
  
Lex blinked as she continued speaking, but the words fell deaf on his ears. So she was basically telling him that his whole life he'd just been some toy, for everyone to play with. As if that wasn't bad enough, he knew it. He knew what she said was right. He stood up quickly grabbing his trench coat, and the ashtray fell to the floor and scattered on the carpet.  
  
"Lex?" the woman looked up questioningly.  
  
"Session's finished, I'm out of here" he muttered and stormed out, slamming the door behind him.  
  
There was another flash before Lex's eyes.  
  
The same woman sat in front of him, weird plastered on smile on her face as she tilted her head and clasped her hands perkily saying "I'm sorry, your time's up"  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------  
  
"..You're times up" a female doctor was saying to Bray. He glanced down to Lex who was staring up at him with a confused distant look in his eyes.  
  
"Can't I stay a bit longer or something?" Bray asked looking back to her pleadingly.  
  
"I'm sorry but he needs his rest. You can come visit tomorrow though" the girl told him.  
  
"I.I don't feel right leaving him now. Couldn't I spend the night or something?" Bray asked her.  
  
"I, I don't know sir" the girl smiled apologetically.  
  
"I'll be no trouble, I'll sleep on this chair even, can't you just check please?" Bray asked.  
  
The girl looked at him then to the bed where Lex was lying and he was staring at Bray. "I..I guess so, I'll ask his doctor" she said finally.  
  
"Thankyou" Bray smiled at her as she walked off to go speak to him. Bray turned in his chair to look at Lex. "It.its okay I stay here right?"  
  
Lex continued staring at him with those dark dull eyes. "I'd appreciate not being alone" he whispered. "I hate hospitals" he closed his eyes. 


	6. Part 6

Part 6 Superman's dead - By Our Lady Peace  
  
Do you worry that you're not liked/  
  
How long till you break/  
  
Happy cause you smile/  
  
But how much can you fake?  
  
An ordinary boy, an ordinary name/  
  
But ordinary's just not good enough today/  
  
Alone I'm thinking/  
  
Why is superman dead/  
  
Is it in my head/  
  
We'll just laugh instead/  
  
You worry about the weather and/  
  
Whether or not you should hate/  
  
Are you worried about your faith/  
  
Kneel down and obey/  
  
You're happy you're in love/  
  
You need someone to hate/  
  
An ordinary girl, and ordinary waist/  
  
But ordinary's just not good enough today/  
  
Doesn't anyone know that the world's a subway/  
  
  
  
Lex woke up, after having one of the longest calmest sleeps he'd had lately. Nightmare free, such bliss. As his eyes flickered open he saw through his blurry vision Bray talking to some girl, and a moment later the distant sounds of voices became clear. The girl left and Bray glanced over to the bed where he saw Lex was lying awake and staring sleepily at him.  
  
"Oh hey you're awake at last," Bray said as he walked to the bedside and grabbed the chair, dragging it closer and sat on it.  
  
"I see you still have your life saving skill of spotting the obvious" Lex rolled his eyes and pushed himself to sit up and stretch. He gave a little yawn and glanced to the side to see Bray smirking. "What?" he raised an eyebrow as he let his arms drop onto his lap.  
  
"Nothing" Bray sighed and shook his head, with a small smile in place, "I got some good news for you"  
  
"That makes a change" Lex muttered.  
  
"You're going to able to get out of this place, and back home later today" Bray told him.  
  
"Huh?" Lex intelligently replied as he blinked at Bray with a slightly confused look.  
  
"You can go home today. that's a good thing right? You do want to get back?" Bray asked studying Lex.  
  
"Uh.yeah. Yeah I do, its just. hmm" Lex shrugged and glanced to the opposite wall, staring at the chipped paint.  
  
"Which means?" Bray enquired.  
  
"I just didn't expect that they'd let me leave so soon" Lex told him, as he continued to stare at the wall.  
  
"Well maybe it'll be good for you, getting back to a familiar environment and"-  
  
"Getting stared at like I'm a freak, people making comments, plastering on fake smiles and fake nice acts and being careful not to say or do the wrong thing incase I the psycho goes mad and tries topping himself again" Lex interrupted with a frown and spoke bitterly as he looked at the wall.  
  
"Hey no, it won't be like that! Everyone's genuinely been concerned and worried about you Lex"-  
  
"Yeah well all that concern and worry came a bit too late didn't it" Lex snapped and the room fell into silence. Outside a nurse walked by chatting to some doctor. Lex let out a sigh and closed his eyes briefly, "I didn't mean to say that, you know"  
  
"Yeah" Bray reluctantly said, "I guess you might be feeling a bit" he trailed off as he saw Lex roll his eyes, "okay I don't know what you're feeling, none of us really know. You don't tell us this stuff Lex"  
  
"Is there any point?" Lex faced Bray and stared at him with those dark dull eyes, "its not as if it matters anyway"  
  
"Yeah Lex it does. If a member of our tribe is feeling as.as depressed as you are, then we want to help, we want to make them happy again"  
  
"Please, you're only saying that now because you feel sorry for me. If it wasn't for that damned letter then you lot could care less. In fact its that stupid letter you found that made all this happen!"  
  
"God Lex, you have a go at us for not caring or noticing you, then when we do you have a go at us even more! Make up your damn mind" Bray snapped angrily, surprising himself.  
  
"I did but some idiot went and got me brought back to life!" Lex snapped and the room fell yet again into a high thick tense atmosphere.  
  
"Well sorry for caring" Bray sneered and stood up, swallowing.  
  
"Yeah well I didn't ask you to did I?" Lex muttered and went back to staring at the wall.  
  
"God Lex. I seriously .. don't get you man" Bray commented and shook his head.  
  
"Yeah well I'm ****ed up, get over it" Lex snapped and narrowed his eyes at the space on the wall.  
  
"God Lex, what do you want me to say or do?! No matter what I do or say it's the wrong thing. All I've tried to do is help you, tried to be a friend and all you can do is sit there and complain and whine and *****" Bray shouted at him, "You want me to just leave huh and leave you to dwell in your own depression?"  
  
"Fine!" Lex shouted back, "I never wanted you in here in the first place! I didn't want you to find or 'save' me, I didn't want you to find the letter, but no you have to be annoying and try to be the ****ing hero like you always try to be! Well I didn't want to be 'saved' Bray, I didn't want any of this" Lex shouted back and his eyes seemed to darken.  
  
"You think I wanted to find that letter Lex? You think I wanted to find you bleeding to death in the car? You think I wanted any of this to happen? You think I purposely set out to do all that huh?"  
  
"I was fine till you had to be so damn unnecessarily heroic" Lex sneered.  
  
"No Lex!" Bray gripped to the edge of the bed and stared harshly to Lex sat right in front of him, "You weren't fine at all! The letter proved that"-  
  
"Can you forget the god damn letter!" Lex shouted in his face.  
  
"No Lex, and don't even try thinking let alone saying that you've forgotten about it. I know its all still there in your head, I now know about everything"-  
  
"Shut up Bray!"-  
  
"I know what you've been doing to yourself and why Lex. It never goes away - the nightmares, the scars, every little reminder. You're so wrapped up in it, scared of yourself, afraid to let anyone see"-  
  
"I said shut up!"-  
  
"You always remember Lex don't you, you're the very sight of someone abused, you see it every time you look at yourself in the mirror. We can all see it- I saw it before I even knew. We tried to reach out to you, get you to open up but no, you have to be so stubborn, so 'Lex' - the 'Lex' you pretend to be, the one you put on show, and behind that mask you're just afraid, so weak"-  
  
"SHUT UP!" Lex screamed and before he knew it his hand lashed out and hit Bray across the face, making him stumble back in shock as Lex faced the opposite way, drawing his knees upto his chest and resting his face into his knees, hair falling over him as he placed hands over his ears, "SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!"  
  
Bray stared, open mouthed and eyes wide in shock. He wasn't expecting that. He didn't expect he'd be so harsh, so truthful, push that far and make Lex snap like that. He didn't mean to. "Lex" he spoke weakly.  
  
"Just leave me alone!" Lex whimpered weakly, voice muffled as rocked back and forth lightly, he squeezed his eyes shut and willed the spilling tears to retract.  
  
"Lex.I'm. I didn't" Bray stuttered, unable to speak from shock of it all.  
  
"What do you wanna hear huh Bray? That everything you said was right? It doesn't need to be said you know because we all know it" Lex sniffed and moved his hands to wipe his bitter tears away.  
  
"Lex, I really didn't. I shouldn't have said"-  
  
"Do you want details huh Bray? About my drunk of a father beating me or raping me? Do you want me to tell you how my only escape was cutting and drugs? That I can't bare to look at myself in the mirror, knowing what HE did to my body? That every night the dreams come back and I wake up, not knowing if the nightmare's stopped? That I push away everybody away, yet somehow I'm scared of being alone? Huh is that enough for you Bray? Because none of you want to know those things! I don't want to know about them myself, but I can't because its always there" Lex ended up breaking down into hysterical sobs.  
  
"God Lex" Bray barely said, as tears filled in his own eyes. He shouldn't have pushed him. He shouldn't have made himself let Lex break down like that, and confess all that like he did. He went around the side of the bed so he was facing Lex and crouched down in front of him. "Lex I'm so sorry. I'm really sorry"  
  
Lex could barely see through his tear filled eyes as he reached to his wrist and gingerly picked the corner of the material of the bandage, "I still feel it inside. All the dirt and disgust" he whispered bitterly and self hatefully. "It still hurts"  
  
"Lex please don't do that" Bray asked as he moved Lex's hand away, "why didn't you say it still hurt I can get the"-  
  
Lex shook his head and hiccoughed as he wiped his eyes with the other hand, "No I mean it still hurts inside. because of what he. he. did to.me" he broke into sobs again.  
  
"I can't believe you've been left with all this for so long" Bray spoke sadly as he looked up from where he was crouched at the pitiful sight of Lex.  
  
"I don't want to. I don't want to be alone with it anymore" Lex sobbed.  
  
"Hey you're not" Bray spoke and put a hand on Lex's knee, "there's us, to help you through it. there's me"  
  
"How can you help such a pathetic person like me?" Lex placed his hands over his eyes.  
  
"You're not pathetic Lex, you just need help. we're going to help okay. You said I saved you, but you're a long way from saved yet" Bray said as he stood up and sat on the bed beside Lex.  
  
"I want it to stop" Lex whispered brokenly.  
  
"One day it will. I promise" Bray told him as he put an arm around Lex for comfort.  
  
"Don't say that" Lex whispered as he rested his face in the crook of Bray's shoulder whilst Bray comforted him, eventually making my tears stop. 


	7. Part 7

Longtime - EMF  
  
You come, you go  
  
I see you, it snows  
  
I see you, its fine  
  
Let it happen slowly  
  
You come, you go  
  
You've got a life, and that's fine  
  
But you're here, and you're mine  
  
I haven't seen you in a long time  
  
Gonna make it, gonna do it  
  
Now it's dark  
  
Now it's time  
  
Gonna make it, gonna do it  
  
Through the darkness you're mine  
  
The way it's going to happen  
  
It's the way it's going to go  
  
It's the only way to do it  
  
It's the only way I know  
  
  
  
Lex woke up, for the second time that day and stared with dark dull eyes at Bray sitting on the chair beside the bed. Lex shifted on his side and tapped his fingers on the pillow as he continued to stare at Bray and he remembered earlier - Bray telling him the news, the argument, how he broke down in tears, Bray comforting him.  
  
"We can leave soon" Bray spoke softly as he stared back at Lex, and he rubbed his jaw with his hand before glancing down to the floor at a bag, "I packed your stuff. You just need to get changed and then when you're ready we can go. so its up to you"  
  
Lex blinked tiredly and glanced at his nails, eyes trailing down his fingers, his hand and back to that bandage.. he looked up and moved his hand off the pillow, "can we go now?" he asked.  
  
"Yeah if its what you want. The others at the mall can't wait for you to get back"  
  
"Hmm" Lex licked his lips before pushing himself to sit up. His lank hair fell past his face again as he shoved the quilt away. "Where's my clothes?"  
  
"I left you some jeans and a top out on the chair" Bray nodded to the other side of the bed where the clothes were folded neatly and draped over the back of the chair.  
  
". thanks" Lex mumbled as he swung his legs over the side of the bed and looked at them.  
  
"Well.. I'll go and leave you to get changed, I'll talk with the doctors and sort out forms and stuff" Bray said. After seeing Lex nod, he turned and left the room, giving a quick glance over his shoulder before the door swung shut.  
  
Lex let out a deep breath as he started to undress from the hospital wear, and as he tugged it over his head, he saw the flash of scars over his arms, his pale bare skin.  
  
--------------------------------  
  
The moonlight reflected off the blade as it swept down and sliced the flesh, the pain numb and hot. As the blade was pulled back the moonlight hit it again and the red liquid dripped off.  
  
---------------------------------  
  
Lex shut his eyes tight and willed the flash back to go away. When he opened his eyes again he blinked a few times at the chair where Bray had left out the clothes. He shook his head as he grabbed the top and yanked it over his head, carefully letting the sleeves fall down his arms, the material lightly pressing against the bandages.  
  
  
  
Bray put down the last signature on the form and gave a small smile as he handed it to the doctor.  
  
"Thankyou Bray. Well seeing as that's all sorted you can leave" the young male doctor smiled at him.  
  
"That's great, but really thank you for all your help and that"  
  
"Hey no problem, all part of the job" the doctor gave a lopsided smile.  
  
"Well I'll just go get Lex then" Bray smiled and turned to leave.  
  
"Oh um, hold on a moment" the doctor called and started rummaging in his pocket. Bray stopped and turned facing him waiting for whatever the doctor wanted. "Uh, we found this in the pocket of your friend's coat" the doctor spoke in a low voice as he held out a pocketknife to Bray. "Considering the circumstances I think you should hold onto it"  
  
"Uh.yeah, thanks" Bray swallowed as he turned it in his hand and stared at it.  
  
  
  
Lex finished dressing by putting on his boots, resting his foot against the chair as he did up the laces. He then sat there silently on the edge of the bed, legs swinging slightly and listened to the over loud ticking of the clock in the room. He hardly noticed it before.  
  
He glanced back as he saw through the glass in the door, the figure of Bray walking towards the room. He peered through and caught Lex's eye before pulling the door open and walking in. "Everything's settled so. we can go" he announced.  
  
Lex nodded; "yeah that'd be great" he hopped off the bed and slowly walked around to pick up his bag.  
  
"Hey no I'll get that" Bray insisted and hurried past, scooping the bag up and slinging it over his shoulder. He looked up at Lex and gave a small smile and saw Lex look down as he gave one back. "Nervous about going back?" he asked.  
  
"Yeah. I don't want everyone thinking of me as just the 'psycho' now or something"  
  
"Believe me they don't. It'll be fine" Bray said assuringly and looked Lex up and down, "you look a bit better now out of that hospital gear"  
  
"Yeah, I also feel a bit better than I did" Lex ran a hand through his mussed hair.  
  
"You do? That's great" Bray smiled.  
  
"Don't get too over excited by it" Lex rolled his eyes, "um, about yesterday"-  
  
"Hey forget about it, for now" Bray told him, patting his shoulder, "we can talk about it some other time, but for now, lets just get you back"  
  
"Yeah" Lex sighed and gave a grateful smile as Bray led him out the room and down the hallway, heading towards the exit and leaving behind the numbing white building.  
  
  
  
They walked all the way back to the mall in silence, side by side. Bray kept looking at Lex, as if paranoid he's suddenly run off or something, but Lex remained walking by his side, looking down at the ground as he walked.  
  
When they arrived at the mall they both stopped outside the building and glanced up at it. "You going to be okay?" Bray asked.  
  
"Hmm" Lex replied looking around before giving a short nod, "can we get inside, its freezing"  
  
Bray gave a small smile as he held the door open for him then led Lex inside and through the mall.  
  
"Hey its Bray!" they heard Jack speak up, "he's got Lex with him too!"  
  
As the two stopped at the bottom of the stairs, Lex a step back feeling nervous, they heard movement through the mall as some others came to greet them.  
  
"Lex!" Amber smiled from the top of the stairs and began to walk down quickly, "I'm glad you're back this early. You're looking better" she said as she reached the bottom of the stairs. She watched as Lex took another step backwards and bit his lip and her smile faltered.  
  
"Yeah, it's a good sign, things should be looking up soon" Bray smiled at her.  
  
"Hey guys" Salene spoke from at the top of the stairs, "you want anything to eat or drink?"  
  
"Uh I'm fine thanks" Bray said and glanced behind and a slightly fearful looking Lex, "we're both a bit tired and well Lex needs his rest"  
  
"Hey that's understandable. I can fix you up something later" Salene smiled at them both, "and Lex, good to have you back" she said before disappearing.  
  
"Yeah good to have a suicidal psycho back at the mall" May muttered from her seat in the cafeteria and she got elbowed by Pride who glared at her.  
  
Lex shifted on his feet and looked to Bray who was holding his bag.  
  
"Right then" Bray sighed and started to walk away across the mall, glancing back to see Lex hurrying after him to follow him. Together they walked the familiar route to Lex's bedroom and Bray pushed the door open allowing them both to step inside.  
  
Bray put the bag down on the desk and unzipped it, starting to take out stuff as Lex slowly walked in and looked around. Bray looked at him then stopped saying, "uh sorry, maybe you'd like to unpack"-  
  
"Its okay" Lex mumbled as he slowly walked towards the bed and sat on the edge of it, feeling the mattress dip a little under his weight.  
  
"Um, do you want me to go so you can sleep or something?" Bray asked turning to face him.  
  
Lex stared around the room as he gave a little shake of his head no. He blinked then snapped his gaze to Bray, "I could do with a bath really"  
  
"Oh. well yeah sure" Bray ran a hand through his hair and shifted on his feet.  
  
Lex nodded, "okay, I'll do that" he stood up.  
  
"Okay" Bray said slowly and watched Lex head towards the door before following him. Lex stopped and faced Bray. "What you coming to watch or something?" he raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Well no its just um, I think I should uh"-  
  
"Check and make sure there's no sharp things that crazy little Lex can't use to harm himself hmm?" Lex shifted on his feet and stared at Bray.  
  
"Its not that I want to, its just"-  
  
"You have to, right Bray I get it" Lex rolled his eyes.  
  
"Its not like that Lex" Bray warned.  
  
"Did I say anything?" Lex shrugged, "its fine go ahead, I'm not going to do anything like that anyway I just want to have a bath and sort out my hair okay"  
  
"I.I know. But"-  
  
"Just go do what you have to do Bray" Lex rolled his eyes and waited. With an apologetic embarrassed look Bray went into the bathroom and searched for razors and other things.  
  
After a moment he came out and was scratching his face, "uh go on" he mumbled.  
  
"Ta" Lex groaned as he walked past Bray and closed the door. Bray shifted on his feet and put his hand in his pocket, feeling the pocketknife that was Lex's in there, and he waited outside the door. 


	8. Part 8

Cry Ophelia  
  
Performed by Adam Cohen  
  
Something went wrong  
  
You are not laughing  
  
It's not so easy now to get your smile  
  
You gotta be strong  
  
To walk these streets  
  
And keep from falling  
  
But when you're not, just let yourself cry  
  
You've been working hard  
  
Just trying to pay the rent  
  
Tryin' to draw the line between who you are  
  
and who you invent  
  
But if you throw a stone  
  
Something's gonna shatter somewhere  
  
We're all so fragile  
  
We're all so scared  
  
You say you wanna learn how to live your life  
  
without tears  
  
But we've been trying to do that for thousands of years  
  
So go on and cry Ophelia  
  
It's the only thing to do sometimes  
  
You know I'm crying too  
  
Right there with you  
  
It's alright Ophelia  
  
Everybody cries  
  
Thank god for my bad memory  
  
I've forgotten some of the stupid things  
  
that I've done  
  
I've come to a little wisdom  
  
through a whole lot of failure  
  
So I watch more carefully what rolls off my tongue  
  
You pray for rain  
  
But you don't want it from a storm  
  
You find a rose  
  
And cut your finger on a thorn  
  
So go on and cry Ophelia  
  
It's the only thing to do sometimes  
  
You know I'm crying too  
  
Right there with you  
  
It's alright Ophelia  
  
Everybody cries Ophelia  
  
Lex stared at the door a moment and let out a soft sigh. He felt Bray's presence outside the door, rather then suspected he was waiting outside. So whilst staring at the door he slowly reached over to the taps of the bath and turned them on, letting a mix of hot and cold water gush out and begin filling the bath. He then turned and looked around the small room, noticed the cracks on the tiles, how the light flickered above him, that the cabinet was slightly open from Bray looking through it. He blinked slowly as his gaze caught his reflection in the mirror, and he saw how pale and ill he looked. I look worse than I did before I went to hospitable thought glumly, as he frowned and turned facing the filling bath.  
  
Slowly he pulled his top off over his head, and he looked down, dark hair falling over his face as he looked at his pale thin frame. His eyes wondered to his arms, which he held out in front of himself. His eyes traced the pinkish silver lines on his arms. Short lines, Long lines, thick lines, thin lines, straight lines, jagged lines, thatched over each other. They were a tangled web of a number of truths, each line with a story of its own. Stories he kept hidden to himself, scars no one in the tribe had yet seen. His eyes rested their gaze on the bandages. He tugged at a corner of the bandage and winced, before deciding to leave it.  
  
He shut the taps off quickly and stared at the still water in the bath, before slowly taking off the rest of his clothes and stepping slowly into the bath. The hot water lapped over his body as he sat in and he stared ahead, watching the steam rise from the bath as he pulled his knees up and wrapped his arms around them. He noticed a small spider running along the edge of the bath so he slowly reached over and flicked it off.  
  
He sighed and closed his eyes, feeling himself getting lost in a daze again.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Lex stumbled out of his bedroom after he heard the front door slam downstairs, a signal his father had left for the pub again. He winced in pain, hands scraping the wall trying to support himself, as he headed down the hallway towards the bathroom. His hand reached shakily for the door handle and he grabbed onto it, rattling it before pressing the rest of his body against the door, groaning as he shoved against the door and it suddenly burst open, sending him flying in and sprawling on the cold tiled floor. He let out a cry of pain and managed to push himself to stand up on his hands and knees, facing the floor as he squeezed his eyes shut and willing the pain to go away. But it didn't.  
  
Shakily he crawled towards the shower and numbly pushed the door open. He went inside and reached up, turning the shower on so cold water burst out and showered down on him. He gasped out and painfully managed to put the rest of his body in, to sit at the bottom of the shower huddled up in the corner, not bothering to take his clothes off. As the cold water poured down on him, making him shiver uncontrollably, he let out uncontrollable sobs.  
  
The water ran a tinted pinkish colour in pools at the bottom of the shower before whirl pooling down the plughole. Soon the colour of the water darkened to a watery red colour. And Lex felt as if he was drowning under the water.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Lex opened his eyes and gasped out, spluttering on water as he felt pair of hands yank him to sit upright from the warm water. He coughed and attempted pushing the person away as he wiped a hand across his face, gasping for breath.  
  
"Christ Lex! How could you do that?!" he heard Bray shouting hysterically and then Lex realized he'd come into the room and was now stood beside him.  
  
"Do what?" Lex coughed a bit confused, "I didn't do anything" he then seemed to realize and looked up at Bray with a shiver, "you think I tried drowning myself?"  
  
"Well what do you expect me to think!" Bray cried out, "I come in here to find you under the water"  
  
"I didn't try to drown myself!" Lex protested, "I must have fallen asleep or something" he muttered and looked up to see Bray had a face expression that read 'I don't believe you'. "Bray I mean it, I don't know what happened, but I didn't try killing myself!"  
  
"Really?" Bray asked in a still 'i'm not convinced' tone.  
  
"Really" Lex shivered again and his wet hair fell in strands in front of his face, "I just remember getting in the bath, and then, I sort of felt tired and.I kind of. flashbacked to something" he trailed off looking a bit confused as he stared ahead.  
  
"You had a flashback? Like a dream sort of thing?" Bray asked with a sigh.  
  
"Yeah" Lex mumbled.  
  
"What about?" Bray asked.  
  
Lex shook his head, "I don't want to say"  
  
"Oh I should have guessed" Bray rolled his eyes.  
  
"What do you want me to say to convince you I didn't try killing myself again!" Lex snapped frustrated.  
  
"Just get out the bath Lex and get dried and dressed" Bray sighed turning and grabbing a towel.  
  
"Bray why won't you believe me?" Lex whined.  
  
"Take a wild guess Lex!" Bray snapped and glared before closing his eyes and sighing, "look just.. do as I said okay" he put the towel on the edge of the bath and he turned to face the opposite wall.  
  
Feeling very exposed and vulnerable, Lex slowly and feeling embarrassed got out the bath and let it start to drain of the water as he grabbed the towel and wrapped it around himself. "Can you leave for a moment?"  
  
"No Lex, I've realized I can't leave you alone for a second" Bray answered as he stared at the dull wall.  
  
"But Bray"-  
  
"No Lex! Its for your own good okay, you're a risk to yourself right now" Bray cut him off.  
  
Lex gave a hurt look that Bray didn't see, "you can't keep an eye on me 24/7 Bray"  
  
"Can't I?"  
  
"I don't need to be babysat all the time just because of a stupid mistake!" Lex whined.  
  
"Lex don't make this any more difficult than it is" Bray sighed frustrated.  
  
Lex frowned as he began to dry himself and got dressed. Bray stared at the wall and swallowed, hearing Lex get changed behind him. He sighed and thought his eyes looked around the space of the wall. He heard Lex tug on his trousers so he cleared his throat, feeling a bit embarrassed. His eyes looked around and he caught the mirror. His eyes widened as he saw that before Lex yanked his top on, there were all these lines on his arms, above where the bandages were. He quickly averted his eyes to staring at the wall ahead again.  
  
"I'm done" Lex moaned and shifted on his feet as he stared at the floor.  
  
"Uh okay then, um, come with me" Bray coughed as he turned to glance at Lex before opening the bathroom door and walking out. He waited for Lex to step out too before taking a hold if his arm and leading him away back to Bray's room.  
  
"Bray. don't do this" Lex whined quietly as the taller, older man held onto him and led him down to his room. It appeared Bray hadn't listened, but more likely ignored him as he opened his bedroom door and pulled Lex inside before closing the door.  
  
"You're going to have to sleep in here. So you can take the bed, I'll sleep on the floor" Bray said.  
  
"Bray stop doing this!" Lex pleaded.  
  
"No Lex, its for your own good"-  
  
-------------------------------------------------------  
  
"Its for your own good boy" Lex's father said as he closed the bedroom door, and the light from the hallway disappeared as the door sealed the room in darkness.  
  
--------------------------------------------------------  
  
"Lex are you listening to me?" Bray asked as he saw Lex's eyes appear to glaze over and he looked distant for a moment with a confused expression.  
  
Lex shook his head and bit his lip for a moment, "Bray don't, you're starting to make me feel like a prisoner, I don't like it" he looked up at Bray, as unnoticed tears slipped from his eyes.  
  
Bray stared at him and let out a deep breath as he felt his insides twist. "I'm sorry Lex, but it needs to be done" He watched as Lex looked down at the floor, shoulders slumping as if in some defeat. "um, I have to change the bandages" he ran a hand through his hair.  
  
Lex's fingers clasped around the edges of his sleeves and he looked up to see Bray already getting out the bandages and stuff. He frowned and started heading towards the door, as he reached it he slowly reached to the door handle and tried turning it - to find it locked, and it gave a short rattle.  
  
Bray quickly snapped around to face Lex, "I thought you'd try running off" he muttered.  
  
Lex looked sadly at the door handle and tried rattling it uselessly again, "You're trapping me" he whispered.  
  
Before he knew it, in his mind, and somehow before his eyes the room and everything seemed to melt away, and he was taken back to that darkened bedroom.  
  
"Lex I'm sorry" Bray sighed as he turned holding the bandages, he started to walk towards Lex, "but I"-  
  
"Stay away from me!" Lex screamed at him, pressing against the door looking terrified which made Bray stop raising his eyebrows.  
  
"I'm not going to hurt you Lex, I just need to"-  
  
"Stay away!" Lex screamed at him again and seemed to suddenly snap and lose control as he grabbed the nearby desk and threw it in the direction of Bray, who quickly dived to the side to avoid it. "stay away stay away!" he screamed as he ran back to the door and began to kick it and yank frantically at the door handle.  
  
"Lex! Lex calm down!" Bray asked shakily as he quickly made his way over.  
  
"What's going on in there?" they heard a voice from the other side of the door.  
  
"Lex please just stop doing this" Bray asked as he grabbed Lex from behind, wrapping his arms around him holding his arms down to his sides.  
  
"Let go let go let go let go let go let go!" Lex screamed hysterically in a mantra as he began kicking out, feeling Bray picking him up and started to carry him away from the door. He kicked out and knocked the table over.  
  
"Bray? Lex?" they heard Pride call out worried and freaked from the other side.  
  
"Lex what the hell"- Bray got cut off as Lex struggled and he tripped, sending them both falling backwards and landing harshly on the floor.  
  
"Leave me alone!" Lex shouted again and started to sit up, to scramble away and get out of this place. He felt claustrophobic, trapped.  
  
Bray quickly sat up, and out of panic reached out and grabbed Lex, pulling him back and he clung to him from behind, refusing to let go.  
  
"LET ME GO!" Lex screamed hysterically and began sobbing, as Bray kept an iron like hold of him. He attempted kicking out with his legs but it was useless.  
  
"Lex, please, calm down, its okay.its okay, we're not going to hurt you we're just trying to help you" Bray spoke into Lex's ear as he began rocking the hysterical boy back and forth.  
  
"I want to get out. I want to get out." Lex sobbed and seemed to collapse into Bray's arms letting him continue to rock and try to soothe him.  
  
They were unaware that Pride had been kicking the door, and it seemed to splinter a bit, before the door burst open and Pride ran in, to find the room in a bit of a mess and Bray on the floor holding a hysterical Lex. His eyes widened at the scene and he just froze on the spot.  
  
Bray sighed as he ran a hand over Lex's hair and looked up sadly to pride, shaking his head slightly. Pride looked sadly back and just stood there, before slowly and numbly starting to clear up the mess. 


	9. Part 9

Just Watch The Fireworks" - By Jimmy eat world  
  
Here you can be anything.  
  
I think that scares you.  
  
I've been here before but only by myself.  
  
What giving up gives you and where giving up takes you.  
  
I've had and I've been.  
  
Here in center frame, there's only air.  
  
Just enough space to fit.  
  
I said it out loud over and over but what do I know.  
  
I said it out loud but it did not help.  
  
I'll stop now.  
  
Just so I can hear you I stay up as late as it takes, as long as it takes.  
  
I promised I'd see it again.  
  
I promised I'd see this with you now.  
  
  
  
Lex's dark empty eyes fluttered open, everything was numb and blurry, he felt lost in a sense of confusion for a moment. After a short while he realized he was in Bray's arms whilst Pride was busy taking off the bandages from his wrists. He realized his sleeves had been pushed up, meaning the scars was revealed. He shifted uneasily in Bray's arms and immediately tried pulling his arms away from Pride.  
  
"Hey settle down" Pride spoke calmly as he kept a hold of Lex's arms, carefully so not to hurt him. A clean bandage was draped over his knee ready to put around Lex's wrists. "We're just changing these" he spoke as he felt Lex weakly try to pull away again.  
  
"Don't look at them" Lex spoke and stared at Pride with his dark eyes. Seeing Pride give Bray a confused glance he added, "the scars".  
  
"I. I'm just doing this" Pride stuttered as he picked up the bandage and took Lex's wrist, watching him flinch as he started wrapping it around the thin wrist.  
  
"Lex. about what happened earlier" Bray spoke up shifting a bit forward so Pride would be able to do his job easier.  
  
"Earlier?" Lex asked a bit confused.  
  
"Yeah when you. when you freaked out" Bray said and Lex turned his head to give Bray a very confused dazed look.  
  
"I freaked out?" he asked with a waver in his voice that showed a slight detect of fear.  
  
"Yeah you- don't you remember?" Bray asked.  
  
"Remember what? I don't know what you're talking about" Lex said staring at him, "what did I do?"  
  
Bray looked up and exchanged looks with Pride. He swallowed and shook his head slightly, "nothing much you just. got a bit. upset and started to cry and stuff" Bray said, deciding not to tell Lex the whole truth.  
  
"Oh" Lex looked away. "I didn't do anything stupid did I?" he asked.  
  
Again Pride and Bray exchanged glances. "Not really, you just freaked us out a bit is all" Pride said and finished bandaging one wrist and moving to the other. As he took Lex's thin wrist in his hand he couldn't help glance over the tones of scars. "God Lex.. there's so many" he felt Lex try to pull away again.  
  
"I know but I don't want to talk about it" Lex mumbled and turned his dark gaze to Pride.  
  
"Hey I understand, I'm um, sorry it's just. sorry" Pride mumbled and carried on with what he was doing.  
  
"After Pride's finished, I think you should get some sleep" Bray told Lex.  
  
"But I'm fine, I'm not tired or anything" Lex spoke.  
  
"Well you need your rest, it'll do you good" Pride spoke looking up briefly.  
  
"I don't want to"-  
  
"Well it doesn't matter if you want to or not, just do it because you need it. Its been a long day" Bray spoke.  
  
Lex sighed, "fine whatever" he muttered as Pride finished the other wrist.  
  
"There you go. They're fine, not much bleeding" pride said as he stood up.  
  
"Hmm" Lex said and stared at the new clean white bandages, "you're not going to tell anyone about my arms are you?" he asked quickly tugging the long sleeves down.  
  
"No, its upto you who knows or not" Pride said.  
  
"Okay, thanks" Lex mumbled and continued examining the bandages.  
  
"Yeah Pride, thanks" Bray said meaningfully as he looked up.  
  
"Well I better go and leave you to rest, so see ya later" Pride gave a small smile as he headed to the door.  
  
"See ya Pride" Bray called as Pride softly shut the door behind him. He sighed and silence fell on the room.  
  
Lex stopped looking at his bandages and looked up. He seemed to just realize he was still sitting on Bray's lap and was being held by him. "Um, so I should" he muttered as he got off Bray and stumbled up, quickly edging away towards the bed.  
  
"Yeah" Bray said as he stood up and watched Lex stand at the side of the bed and stare at it. "Go on then"  
  
"Um..okay" Lex said hesitantly as he pulled back the covers then sat down on the edge of the bed. He looked up at Bray and tilted his head as he stared at him. "Are you going.to like talk to the others or something"  
  
Bray shook his head no, "I'll stay here and keep an eye on you"  
  
Lex sighed. No point in arguing, he knew Bray would have his way so he slowly shifted on the bed and lay down on his back on it, letting out a sigh.  
  
Bray chewed his lip and walked over, picking up the covers and laying them down over Lex, "there, comfy?"  
  
"Hmm" Lex replied, shifting and lying on his side, curling up and clasping his fingers around the quilt, as Bray grabbed the nearby chair and sat down on it beside the bed. Lex stared at him and Bray stared back.  
  
"I can't sleep with you watching me" Lex told him and shifted his face on the pillow.  
  
"Well you're going to have to learn to" Bray shifted in his chair and rested his elbow on the arm of the chair, "we're going to be keeping an eye on you a lot"  
  
Lex groaned and rolled his eyes, a dark strand of hair fell in front of his face, blurring his vision slightly, "Bray?"  
  
"Hmm?"  
  
"What was it like. when I freaked out. Really I mean" Lex asked, biting his lip.  
  
Bray shifted, feeling more uncomfortable as he cleared his throat, "well.you, you started.screaming and"-  
  
"Did I get violent? Did I hurt you or Pride?" Lex quickly asked.  
  
Bray stared at him a moment, "no you didn't"  
  
"So I just. screamed?"  
  
"Well you cried and stuff, and tried running out" Bray told him.  
  
"It just happened right. when did it happen?"  
  
"You tried leaving but found the door locked. said stuff about being trapped"-  
  
"Oh" Lex cut him off simply and looked away.  
  
"Lex.has stuff like that happened before? I mean you freaking out and stuff" Bray asked.  
  
Lex sighed and glanced up at him. "Yeah. No point in lying"  
  
"What. I don't get it, what makes it happen?" Bray asked worried.  
  
"I don't know. sometimes it just happens, I don't really remember it, its like I get taken over by something. Sometimes though, I sorta get flashbacks or something and I like daze out. I think its probably a fear thing"  
  
"So like. panic attacks" Bray bit his thumb nail.  
  
Lex nodded, "yeah. I've had those. I don't mean them to happen, so sorry if I freaked you"-  
  
"Hey its okay. Now I know I guess I'll be more prepared for next time" Bray spoke and scratched his chin.  
  
"Bray?"  
  
"Hmm?"  
  
"Do you. have you ever had like a flashback, that seems really realistic you know, and then you don't know whats reality and whats fake, they seem to blend in together?" he asked.  
  
Bray leaned forward and stared at Lex. He looked so small, so frightened, so.innocent. Like a young child. "Lex. before you freaked out, did you have some kind of flashback?"  
  
"I.probably, maybe" Lex bit his lip.  
  
"You did look a bit distant, and your eyes looked a bit glazed" Bray told him.  
  
"Then I guess I did"  
  
"Can you remember what it was about?" Bray asked.  
  
Lex shifted on the bed and frowned as he pulled the quilts up more over him, "I think so"  
  
"Can you tell me what it was about?" Bray asked and watched Lex look away with a sad expression. "Was it about your father?" Bray asked softly. Lex looked up at him and Bray saw the eyes somewhat darkened and reflective like a dark pool of drowning tears. "Um, you should get your rest now, we can talk later" Bray said.  
  
Lex sighed softly and rolled over to face the wall and away from Bray, he spent a short while shifting under the covers to curl up and get comfy, before he settled and snuggled in the blankets, closing his eyes and drifting to sleep with a soft sigh.  
  
Bray sat by the bedside watching him.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Pride softly opened the door and glanced around the room. He spotted Lex lying asleep under the covers and saw Bray look up from where he was sitting. "Bray" he whispered and nodded at him to come over.  
  
Bray glanced at Lex sleeping, before he quietly got up and walked over to Pride. They stepped out the room closing the door to.  
  
"How is he?" Pride asked.  
  
Bray rubbed his eyes and sighed, "well he could be worse" he frowned, "we managed to work out he has frequent panic attacks. probably caused by flashbacks"  
  
"Really?" Pride's eyebrows raised, "God, poor Lex"  
  
"Yeah" Bray sighed and glanced to the door.  
  
"So I guess we'll have to keep an extra careful eye on him" Pride commented.  
  
Bray nodded, "are we going to tell the rest of the mallrats about the panic attacks?"  
  
"Well it would be wise, because he might have one on front of them. I can tell them if you want"  
  
Bray nodded, "thanks Pride, that would be helpful"  
  
Pride smiled at him, "yeah. Um, dinner's going to be done soon so I was wondering if you wanted me to bring yours and his over here, or if you wanted to eat in the cafeteria"  
  
"Um, if you could bring it here, that'd be great" Bray replied.  
  
"No problem. He's looking on the thin side isn't he"  
  
"Yeah, among lots of other problems. He looks so ill, so helpless Pride" Bray sighed.  
  
"Yeah well he's got all us by his side to get him better" Pride told him.  
  
Bray looked sadly at Pride, "Do you think he will get better?"  
  
Pride looked away, "let's just pray for the best"  
  
Bray also looked away, down at the ground and frowned, "yeah" he mumbled.  
  
Pride patted him on the shoulder, "don't give up on him Bray. By the sounds of it, too many people have done that already"  
  
Bray gave a small lopsided smile, "I'll try not to"  
  
"I know. Well catch you later" Pride said.  
  
"Yeah later" Bray said before pushing the bedroom door open and walking in - to find Lex standing right in front of him staring at him. 


End file.
